It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
