I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
