I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
