I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
