Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
