so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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