I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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