i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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