So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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