Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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