seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I want her autograph on my taint
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i now understand why vodka
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
