I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
