are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
