I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
