I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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