Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ladies don't puke and tell
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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