Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
