Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
