I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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