Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
