mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
