what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
