Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
