phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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