I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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