apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
BRING THE BAGELS
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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