All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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