well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
