We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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