I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
