i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
