You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
