I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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