There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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