i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
