Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
