haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
