dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
