She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
