just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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