You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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