I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
