turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
