I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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