he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
