i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
