I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
