i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
