I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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