i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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